Ultima 7 Contributions

(Contributions of Others)

A fistful of Ultima 7

Humour in Ultima games

An illustrated usenet post

From - Sun Jan 24 13:26:43 1999
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From: well_dressed@leavethisout.hotmail.com (Well-Dressed)
Newsgroups: rec.games.computer.ultima.dragons
Subject: Re: Humor in Ultima Games
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 12:06:48 GMT
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Allen Pinsky, demonstrating style:

>If I may, I'd like to get some anecdotes on humorous or odd things that
>happened during various Ultima games-- either through a programming
>glitch, player error, or deliberate messing about.  Did anyone else ever
>go "hunting" in U VI using a pickpocket spell on deer (if not, try
>it...)?  How about accidentally abandoning Iolo on a Trinsic
>streetcorner for four months in U VII (I swear-- when he said "Do you
>want me to stay here?", I thought he meant he was going to get a room in
>town, not stand around outside until I got back.).  Anyone have a
>bizarre in-game story to share?

Remember the two trainers in Minoc? I was watching them practice with
the bow, when the guy decided to shoot the woman in the back while she
was going to retrieve her arrows. Both simultaneously screamed "To the
death!" and a clash of epic proportions ensued. The woman quite easily
won the fight (leaving the guy in a bloody heap on the floor), and the
prior mutual perforation in no way seemed to affect her mood - she was
happy to offer training after the event. Like I could refuse training
from a woman who so thoroughly kicked ass :)

Of course, whenever I'm in Minoc, I'll have Owen commit suicide a few times: A: "Hey Owen, what's that about the ship that sunk? The one you designed? Heard it from the hairy freak down south." O: "I don't deserve to live!" "Argh!" A: "In Mani Corp!" O: "I live!" A: "Ah, Owen, amuse us. We were talking about that ship...?" O: "I don't deserve to live!" "Argh!" A: "Heh. In Mani Corp!" And so on and so on. I usually prepare a little podium for Owen and get chairs for the entire party, so they can watch the show more comfortably. Sometimes we perform the show in the Minoc bar. We get great reviews, really.
It's always nice to program a Wisp to hate Lord British and let it loose in Castle British. It usually takes the two of them a mere five minutes before all the other inhabitants have perished.
Or how about placing LB into a tiny cabin made of wooden boards from which he cannot escape, take away his spells (ALT-4), arm a couple of people with muskets and hundreds of bullets, and let them shoot LB for a while? "You will pay for that!" "Oof!" "Oof!" "No more!". Especially enjoyable when you do it on one of the little islands south-west of Trinsic (you have to have water on the edges of the screen), so that no guards show up when he calls for them. Using blood instead of water to turn dough into a roll is always fun. Once, it turned into a cake. I lovingly call it 'blood-pie'. And there is so much more! Covering babies in burning oil in front of their parents (who don't seem to mind), blasting Batlin with a cannon while he's tending a fellowship meeting, or alternatively tearing down the place around him without anyone noticing (but woe you if you touch his chest), pulling chairs from underneath LB (too bad it doesn't have the desired effect), etc. -- Well-Dressed Dragon -=(UDIC)=- "Pow-pow-pow-pow-pow. Oswald was a fag" - from The Usual Suspects

The Plaque O' Doom

By Chao Bell

"The Throne Room Of Lord British," proclaimed the plaque.

The plaque had always seemed a little crooked, as it if was barely
clinging to the stone wall on which it resided. Worse, it was situated
right over a doorway...one Lord British seemed to enjoy standing in for
whatever reason. 

"How may I help thee, Selece?" the ruler asked, as he stood in said
doorway one fair afternoon. Dupre set the lifeless body of poor Spark down
gently on the floor.

"Well, you see, M'lord..." Selece began, and she saw out of the corner of
her eye that the aforementioned plaque appeared to be hanging a bit more
precariously than usual, "it's poor Spark. He's up and died in the Test of

One of the rivets securing the plaque to the stone fell, dropping to the
hard floor with a barely-audible "ting." Another seemed just about to go. 

Lord British nodded gravely. "Then I will resurrect him--"

"Uh--" Sentri squinted at the plaque. "My Lord, this thing looks to be a
little crooked..." Before the Avatar could protest, Sentri reached up and
poked the plaque with the tip of his halberd in an attempt to set it

He failed.


"That is precisely the thing to do!" chirped the Guardian's unbelievably
pleased--and amused--voice as the remaining rivets gave way. The plaque
fell, striking Lord British squarely in the skull with a sound like an
apple dropped onto a hard floor. Lord British fell in a similar manner, as
did Selece's jaw.

"M'lord!?" Selece knelt down and shook Lord British by the shoulder.

"He's knocked out!" Tseramed exclaimed. Selece shook her head and
whimpered, eyes wide in disbelief and one hand covering a mouth wide open
in shock.

"No he's not--he's stone dead!"

Iolo stared incredulously at Sentri. "Oh my God!" he blurted. "You killed
Lord British!" 

"You bastard!" Dupre blurted in turn.

Shamino rubbed his forehead and sighed. "Nice going, Sentri. You could
have waited till he brought Spark back, you know." 

Sentri sheepishly leaned the incriminating halberd against the nearest
wall and stepped away from it. "Sorry."

"Oh jeez. This sucks. This really sucks." Selece looked at the two corpses
on the floor and grumbled sourly. "Iolo, how much money do we have?"

Iolo made a quick tally. "Two hundred and some odd change, milady. And
those gold nuggets from the headlesses. And a few gems, I think. Should be
enough to raise one of them."

"Swell." Selece rubbed her eyes. "Spark? Sorry, kid, but you're gonna have
to stay dead a little longer. Shamino, you want to give me a hand with
Lord British? We gotta have him resurrected before anyone else
notices." Shamino looked at her as if she'd grown a third eye.

"What, are we just going to drag him through the streets to the healer!?" 

Selece frowned...and the gears turned in her brain, churning out the plan
for the biggest government coverup this side of Roswell. "Eh. On second
thought, that probably wouldn't be a good idea. Everyone give Iolo your
money. Shamino, help me drag him back in there and set him on the throne
before he goes stiff. Iolo, go cash in the gems and the gold
nuggets. Tseramed, go get the healer. Sentri, go get a mop and clean up
the blood, and for God's sake don't touch anything else..oh, and put Spark
somewhere, we don't need two dead bodies lying around. Dupre, tell all the
witnesses he's fine, just knocked out cold--"

"--very cold," Shamino interjected. Selece shot him a pained look.

"--and he'll be up and kicking in a bit. And everyone please be
discreet. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is going to know what just
happened here except us, the healer, and maybe Lord British if he
remembers anything when he comes to. Get goin--" 

As Selece and Shamino hauled the corpse of the king off the floor, a
scroll slipped from the folds of his robe and landed at Selece's
feet. "What's this?" she mused, picking the scroll up. "His will? Hmm..." 

Her curiosity got the best of her, and she read it. 

And immediately wished she hadn't. 

"This..." Her eyes were wide, her jaw had dropped to the floor once more,
and she shook her head in disbelief. "Way too much information.
I did not need to know this." She passed the scroll to Dupre, who
read it as well and gave forth a similar reaction.

"Didn't think the old man had it in him," he commented as he passed the
scroll to Iolo, who naturally read it as well. His face registered an
equal amount of disbelief...and no small amount of amusement.

"I don't think I want to be in town when they read this out," he chuckled,
passing it to Shamino, who took it with his free hand, read, and appeared
to be making a concerted effort to remember the gravity of the situation
and keep a straight face.

"Oh. Oh my." He fought back a laugh and handed the scroll off to
Sentri. "I guess I wasn't the only one with a few wild oats left to

Sentri, by now wanting nothing more than to curl up into a mortally
embarrassed ball and burrow under the floor, gingerly took the scroll and
read as well. His commentary on the subject pretty much summed up the
whole ghastly situation.

"Oh shit."

Tseramed read over his shoulder and gasped. "This is a Bad Thing, isn't
it?" he asked, plucking the scroll from Sentri's fingers and handing it
back to Selece. Selece carefully stuffed it back into the pocket from
whence it had come.

"As I said," she replied, "nobody is going to know about it.
 Everyone go. Go go go."

And with that, the party members went their seperate ways to perform their
seperate duties.


Lord British's Castle

British: Joe, the noble Avatar!  Tis great to see thee!

Avatar:  Hello my friend. How are you?

British: I am fine.  Who is this young man?

Avatar:  Oh, that's Spark, he's just a little bitch.
         He's useful though.

British: How so?

Avatar:  Well, we need somebody to test all the fountains
         and stuff on.

British: All?  What have you tried?

Avatar:  Oh, various fountains, Silver Serpent Venom.

Shamino: Not to mention the those weird glowing potions you stole.. er,
         I mean borrowed from Rudyom.

Avatar:  Shut up Shamino!

Shamino: Sorry, Milord.

British: Does it speak?

Avatar:  Well, those potions Shamino mentioned took away his ability to speak.

British: Oh my God! Poor child!

Avatar:  The whole party and I beg to differ.  You are lucky you don't have
         to hear him.

British: Very well.  How are you old man.. er, I mean Iolo.

Iolo:    God damnit!  Everybody makes fun of my age!

Avatar:  You almost shit your pants at those dragons in Destard.

Iolo:    So?  My aim was true!

Sentri:  You hit me in the back!!!

Iolo:    Exactly!  Did you not notice it was 3 magic bolts flying from my
         triple crossbow?

Tseramed:  Umm Sentri, he's trying to say he meant to hit you.

Iolo:    Magic bolts and arrows hit nothing but their intended target.


Iolo:    You made fun of me!!!

Sentri:  OK, I'll never make fun of you again.

Tseramed:  That reminds me.. I shot that damn jester, Chuckles, on my way
           in here.

British: I hated him too.  I was gonna have the Avatar kill him anyway

Tseramed:  Good thing.

Dupre:   Was that Virtuous?

Avatar:  Oh, shut up Dupre!!!

Dupre:   But I'm programmed like that!!!

Avatar:  I have a program that can change that.

Dupre:   You better not...

Avatar:  Would you like to dance like Chuckles?
         Or perhaps you would like to be a beggar instead.
         Maybe you would like to act like a toddler?

Dupre:   OK!  I'll shut up!!!

British: By the way, who is this ranger?

Avatar:  This is Tseramed, and he's a great addition to our group.

Peasant Man:   I'm gonna be late for the Fellowship Meeting.

<Tseramed draws an arrows and pierces the man's heart.>

British: !!!

Avatar:  Don't ask.

Tseramed:  How do, Lord British?

British: Glad to meet thine aquaintance.

Jaana:  Excuse me Milord, didn't we leave about 152 pieces of
        dough in the bakery shop's oven?

British: Why would you do that?

Avatar:  I got a part-time job at the bakery.

<Baker runs in>


<A horse and buggy with a bunch of chests on it rolls by.

Shamino: What's that?

British: A fire engine! the chests are full of buckets of water.

Shamino: That's clever.

Spark:   Shit!

All:     HE TALKS!!!!!

Avatar:  Black Sword.. one more person to kill.

Sword:   Who is it, my master?

Avatar:  Spark

Spark:   Shit!

Copyright 2002 By Joe Manternach

Original page from www.it-he.org (and www.it-he.com)
Used with permission.
Copyright (C) 2002 Joseph Paul Morris
Fun things to do with the Ultima games     http://www.it-he.com
Developing a U6/U7 clone                            http://ire.it-he.org